there’s a fucking storm tonight. – 091418

there’s a fucking storm tonight.
bigger than the country.
bigger than any storm I’ve ever seen, kind of like most of my problems nowadays.
everything feels so much bigger than me.
so out of my touch, so out of my range.
everything feels like it’s caving in on me, like I can’t do anything but brace myself for the storm that is my problems, my sadness, my loneliness.
stay still until it seeps through every crevice of my hand.
pretend I’m prepared for the wind, for the cold, for the storm.
my sadness looms over me like a storm cloud, just waiting for the right moment to pour down on my pathetic sidewalks, flood my veins.
the loneliness peaks like the ocean, surrounding me, rendering me useless, incapable of going anywhere, incapable of reaching out.
tonight there’s a storm, and my fingertips know no rescue mission, only helpless words on paper.
i can hear the shaking of my roof, can feel my house battered up.
is this what i’ll hear when death finally takes me?
just wind and metal and hopelessness.
i want to hear the storm.
the pitter-patter of it against my roof.
i wanna feel it.
i want to feel death seep into my broken skin, through the flesh, reach the bones.
it feels unfair that i’m the one who has to suffer, why did i have to be the shaken house, why should i be the one bothered?

perhaps the storm knows breaking is my forte.

almost engineer – 110518

almost engineer

 

my father is an almost engineer,
didn’t get his degree even after three years of hard work.
so yes, he knows how to build but he doesn’t know how to finish so it all topples over.
this is not a poem about my anger, my hatred, or my sadness.
this is a poem about my almost engineer father.
my father is an almost engineer.
he built me brick by brick by cement by brick by brick.
he built me into a brick wall.
but my father is only an almost engineer
so he doesn’t know how to finish it and it topples over.
my father does not have a wrecking ball mouth except when i sing too loud or when he notices that i am a cured brick wall; strong and confident.
so his wrecking ball mouth, i swear he doesn’t have one, topples my red brick wall over, maybe not the first time, but he gets to it, does the job like he did after being an almost engineer.
as an almost engineer, he builds my bricks up again, pretends he wasn’t what caused and chipped edges, pretends he doesn’t have a wrecking ball mouth.
but he does, and i only realize this now.
his wrecking ball mouth topples my red brick wall heart.
he breaks it then pretends the damage wasn’t his doing.
i’m not saying that i don’t love my almost engineer father, he build and creates, and i love him for that.
but he also has a wrecking ball moth, never a fist, no, a mouth, and i only realize this now and that damages, topples the once strong and confident red brick wall.
i am still a red brick wall.
cement glues my broken shards and i am grateful but this means i am fragile.
no, maybe not.
but i am starting to lose strength. i am not as strong as i once was.
but maybe i am. maybe i am the strongest i’ve ever been. i do not know this, i do not know this, i do not know this because i am the daughter of an almost engineer. i do not know how to finish, i know how to build and i know how to topple.
i now this because i am the daughter of an almost engineer.
but i also do not plan on not finishing this path.
new paths are alive.
there are stronger materials to add to my red brick wall.
i am not just the daughter of an almost engineer.
i am also a strong, confident red brick wall and for that i am content.
even if my father is only an almost engineer.

 

happy father’s day! i don’t actually hate my father. i wrote this waaaaay too long ago. i think. right now, i don’t hate my father. i love him, actually. but it felt right to share this poem about my father on father’s day. please don’t send this to him. he’s a great father. i honestly don’t remember the issue on why i wrote this hahaha. anw, that’s all, sorry for being gone for so long. i don’t know when i’ll be back again, to be honest. also, i graduated high school! i’m gonna be an official college student in august 2019!! how exciting! and nerve-wracking! i’m scared and excited but i think i’ll be fine! please wish me luck. aLSO!!! HAPPY PRIDE AAAAAA ok that’s all hehe

sugar – reassuring myself that i’m doing good

 

when the panic settles
and the only way i know how to cope
is to grit my teeth
turn the bones into powder
let the anger settle
like dust in the wind
when the madness settles
and i’m left with nothing
no one to tell me
to stop grinding the bones
i become more insignificant

 

recently, the panic is just sugar
at the bottom of a cup of coffee
settled, there but not really
sometimes, when i turn the spoon
i disturb the calm
disturb the sugar at the bottom
of a cup of coffee
it’s there and you notice that life is different
the coffee tastes different
but sometimes different is good

 

hi! i know this seems unfinished, it is. i don’t really know what else to add (actually, i do, i just want this one poem about how good’s life been to end with some sad shit i managed to add to this). so, hi! i’m good! laughing is becoming easy. today, i deleted my old suicide note, i don’t know why i kept it, to be honest, but today i deleted it. that’s my achievement for today. i’m trying to be better, honestly. but i think i’m having /panic/ attacks, i don’t wanna call them panic attacks because i’m not diagnosed but that’s what it feels like. every day, i feel like i’m on the verge of becoming angry. everyday i get angry, like i’m going to explode, like all of my hard work for the past few months will all go to waste. everyday breathing during an attack becomes harder. but i’m okay! i really am, life at home has never been easy but right now it is. i think there’s always a balance; when school’s shit, my home life’s okay and vice versa. but i’m good! really, i’m really good.

teenybitsad

i’m sad. so sad. but that kind of sadness that just feels kind of empty. like my chest is hollow and empty but heavy. really heavy. i don’t have a reason why my chest feels like lead. i don’t have a reason why i don’t hear my heartbeat. i don’t know why there’s a void that i just can’t seem to fill.

i’ve tried a lot of things o fill the void. i’ve tried learning a new language. i’ve tried witchcraft. i’ve tried watching tv for hours and hours on end. i’ve tried only listening to music and feeling and feeling. i’ve tried painting. i’ve tried writing. i’ve tried eating and eating and eating. i’ve tried getting to know people from different sides of the globe. nothing is working. nothing. i sometimes feel nothing.

am i nothing? i feel so insignificant at the best times and so significant at the worst times.

so so so sad. sometimes i wish i didn’t exist at all.

realizations 3/3/18

went to my friend’s debut earlier.

bit of a background, she said that she really wasn’t planning on having a party but one of her friends recently died by accident and she wanted to honor her friend and just be thankful for being alive because when the accident happened, she was with her friend.

of course, half of our old section came to the debut because it’s the first in our class. there’s always a bit of anxiety when i go out but this one was exceptional, i was worried her new friends wouldn’t like me or that everyone has dramatically changed and wouldn’t want to talk to me.

that didn’t happen. everyone was so nice and we had a really good time, even if some of us were crying because of the debutant’s insight. she said that because of what happed to her friend, she’s now starting to value life.

when i got home, i didn’t expect to be this emotional, i’m not the type of person to gush about things like this but what the debutant said really struck a chord in me.

i went through shit in junior high, i was closed off, especially during grade 9, and i’ve always thought a lot about all the things i missed because of how i acted back then. i regret it so much, not attending prom, not sharing those special moments, saying i didn’t give a shit about my old classmates. i was hard to handle. but i came through, i got better, and now, i look at things differently.

a few months ago, i realized that life is good, for the first time in i don’t know how long, i felt like life is special again. i felt a spark, i really did, as cliche as it sounds.

after the debutant’s party, after meeting my friends again after god knows how long, and after the debutant’s speech, i went home. i went home and realized that i wouldn’t be able to relive that memory, i wouldn’t be able to relive any memory. the regret was so much but i also realized that i can’t regret things anymore, if i want to be happy, i need to cherish every little moment when it’s happening.

yes, life is short but there’s also a lot of shit i can do with my remaining time alive. i can live, i can be present, i can listen carefully, i can be with friends, i can be mindful, i can exist, i can do all that in the present, i can do that in the future, i can do that when the future becomes the present. i know life will not always be good, of course i know that, but i also now know that even if it goes to shit, i can still be happy again, and even if it is shit, i still have the people i love comfort me.

well, that’s a lot of insight for such a small gathering but i’m happy i realized all that. i’m happy that i have the motivation to push through life and live. i told my friend who attended the debut this, “i’m so thankful i didn’t kill myself when i really wanted to before,” and i stand by that.

hello (a word dump).

how long has it been? 10 months? gosh darn it. i’m sorry i haven’t posted in a hot minute (s/o to whoever’s reading this, u da void lmao).

so, i’ve changed a lot, obviously.

last month, i successfully finished inktober and  i didn’t miss a day, it was very exciting lmao.

this november i planned on writing everyday but due to unfortunate circumstances (school) i won’t be able to do that. what i’m doing now, just for the sake of my project is to write one thousand words per week, i know that number isn’t much but it’s definitely better than nothing.

lovelife wise, i have finally (woooooh) moved on. it’s been a hard process but i’ve come to terms with it now. it’s not very important for me at this point in time so i just disregarded it until i’ve moved on.

my main focus now is my academics, i’m a grade 11 student right now so there’s very little time for me to prepare myself for college entrance exams. i’m very nervous about it to say the least. i still don’t know what i’m majoring in, to be very honest. i just haven’t found my passion. right now, i’m aiming for industrial engineering because 1.) my father cried when i told him i’m taking it up (although not sure) 2.) i don’t really like engineering but ie is very much in line with what i want in life. i’m still not sure though.

i’ve been reading a lot, last saturday i read 100k words. i’m very proud of myself that day. the most recent (proper) novel i read was turtles all the way don and i really like it.

i’ve also been watching a lot of american series, my most recent one was stranger things 2 and it’s very entertaining and i like it better than the first season because it wasn’t as suspenseful. i also watched voltron season 4 and it’s so good!! keith, my son, didn;t have much screen time though (also, where is lance’s character arc????? goshdarn)

in terms of music, i’ve been listeing to a lot of musiclas lately and i really like hamilton and heathers.

what else can i say, i think that’s pretty much what i’ve been doing in the last ten months haha.

ok, uhhh, how do i end this, bye ?? i guess lol. okay, bye. xx

16 lessons from 16 years ??

merry christmas!

happy new year!

happy birthday to me!

here are some lessons i’ve learned from my sixteen years of existence.

1. don’t text your confession to the person you like, it will make you look like a stalker for knowing their number (unless, of course, they gave it to you and you talk often and it’s kinda normal). DON’T TEXT A CONFESSION TO A PERSON THAT DOESN’T KNOW YOU. okay. point made.
2. it’s okay to be yourself (cliche but tru), no need to be “cool” or do “cool” things (that you know is bad for you) to maintain friendships.
3. loving yourself is acceptance itself.
4. internalized -phobia or hatred won’t do you any good, learn to love yourself to be able to love the people around you.
5. make yourself your first priority. put yourself first, your friends will understand if you can’t attend some event or reunion bc of some personal reason.
6. ALWAYS STAY HYDRATED. water is like, the best thing to ever exist ??like, it makes your skin great and your sanity intact and stuff like that. don’t take it for granted.
7. don’t take anything for granted, people, electricity, heck, even network signal isn’t always available.
8. people come and go, people change. don’t get too hung up to the latest friend you’ve made. there’s plenty of fish in the sea (platonically and romantically).
9. don’t be afraid (love is the way lmao) to be judged. literally everyone does that all the time bUT don’t get too affected lolol.
10. care for the people you love and care about, they’ll appreciate it so much.
11. think highly of yourself, not too highly tho lol. treat yoself like the Queen™ that you are eheh.
12. sometimes uncool is cool. live your life they way you want to, cool or not.
13. don’t force people to like you.
14. don’t force yourself to like the things other people like just because its cool. do stuff because you want to.
15. you have friends (IRL or internet) that’ll support no matter what.
16. you are beautiful.
17. (an extra one because 2017, ayye) it’s okay to message first. refer to 10. reservations: refer to 1.

fucking idiots.

how long has it been hours? days? weeks? months? we haven’t properly talked since that confession, that time when i spilled my feelings. what happened? did my ‘spilled beans’ gross you out? probably not, that’s what you did with the one you love, right? that’s what you asked me to do, right? YOU FUCKING ASKED FOR IT AND WHEN I GAVE IT YOU, YOU JUST STARED AT ME LIKE I’M A FUCKING IDIOT.

you wanted love and comfort, that’s what you’ve always told me, i tried so fucking hard to give those to you but my knowledge wasn’t enough. you didn’t tell me her name, you didn’t tell me there was a specific person. maybe i am a fucking idiot. maybe you are. maybe she is. maybe we’re all just a bunch of fucking idiots.

BAKAAAA

110716

november 07, 2016

monday

8:27 p.m. – 8:34 p.m.

some of our exam papers were returned today. i failed most of them. i didn’t learn anything but to cheat to myself. this isn’t fine. i am not fine. i keep on lying to myself, how i fail because of the shitty education system, but honestly? i’m the problem. i don’t really care anymore, don’t want to touch my books, i complain about things that i need to do even if it’s just printing a couple of pictures. i’m mad. i’m sad, i’m angry because i’m not doing anything to make it better, i’m not doing anything to make myself better. how do i make myself better when i’m not even good? i don’t want to burden anyone. i don’t want o be judged and be questioned. i don’t want to talk about it but i need to. i don’t know my problems but it hurts. it hurts on the inside without a reason so i hurt myself on the outside to have a reason. i tried choking myself last night, i held my breath as long as i could, stupid me. i don’t know why i’m doing this to myself, to others, to my parents, to my friends. help me understand the problem. help me solve this. help me pass this test.

 

i will probably delete this later because i know this will not make sense

at least (i like you: thoughts from a treasure chest)

it’s better to look at you from far away,

talk to you close enough to feel your warmth but far enough so you’re comfortable,

be friends with you with no malice, no intentions,

it’s better this way.

at least i can still hang out with you,

along with the treasure chest where i hide my feelings

a treasure chest i dare not open.

my words stripped with meaning of how much you mean to me,

how much i like you,

or our eyes that sparkle every time we talk about… her.

it’s better this way,

at least you’re happy,

at least i’m the only one hurting,

at least we’re still friends,

with a hint of something more,

every excess that might spill hidden in a treasure chest.

we dare not open.

at least.

 

//featured image from 3drod.tumblr.com