went to my friend’s debut earlier.
bit of a background, she said that she really wasn’t planning on having a party but one of her friends recently died by accident and she wanted to honor her friend and just be thankful for being alive because when the accident happened, she was with her friend.
of course, half of our old section came to the debut because it’s the first in our class. there’s always a bit of anxiety when i go out but this one was exceptional, i was worried her new friends wouldn’t like me or that everyone has dramatically changed and wouldn’t want to talk to me.
that didn’t happen. everyone was so nice and we had a really good time, even if some of us were crying because of the debutant’s insight. she said that because of what happed to her friend, she’s now starting to value life.
when i got home, i didn’t expect to be this emotional, i’m not the type of person to gush about things like this but what the debutant said really struck a chord in me.
i went through shit in junior high, i was closed off, especially during grade 9, and i’ve always thought a lot about all the things i missed because of how i acted back then. i regret it so much, not attending prom, not sharing those special moments, saying i didn’t give a shit about my old classmates. i was hard to handle. but i came through, i got better, and now, i look at things differently.
a few months ago, i realized that life is good, for the first time in i don’t know how long, i felt like life is special again. i felt a spark, i really did, as cliche as it sounds.
after the debutant’s party, after meeting my friends again after god knows how long, and after the debutant’s speech, i went home. i went home and realized that i wouldn’t be able to relive that memory, i wouldn’t be able to relive any memory. the regret was so much but i also realized that i can’t regret things anymore, if i want to be happy, i need to cherish every little moment when it’s happening.
yes, life is short but there’s also a lot of shit i can do with my remaining time alive. i can live, i can be present, i can listen carefully, i can be with friends, i can be mindful, i can exist, i can do all that in the present, i can do that in the future, i can do that when the future becomes the present. i know life will not always be good, of course i know that, but i also now know that even if it goes to shit, i can still be happy again, and even if it is shit, i still have the people i love comfort me.
well, that’s a lot of insight for such a small gathering but i’m happy i realized all that. i’m happy that i have the motivation to push through life and live. i told my friend who attended the debut this, “i’m so thankful i didn’t kill myself when i really wanted to before,” and i stand by that.
teenybitsad 